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April 30th, 2013 12:23 PM #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
Calm down. Where did she even write any of this? Your children, your life, your decision.
All she said is that sometimes she gets angry at people who have children at a young age without a stable because they make her feel old when the reason she's planning to wait is to have a stable life once she starts a family.
That's the way she plans her life and apparently she gets a little angry sometimes, but you get SUPER angry.
Maybe you get judged a lot, I get it. But why do you even care? Calm down.
To the OT poster:
30 is so not old. I mean I live in Germany and most moms with college degrees don't evenn start to have kids until they're 30 or 35 or even end of 30.
April 30th, 2013 12:30 PM #8Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2011
April 30th, 2013 12:35 PM #10Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2011
April 30th, 2013 12:37 PM #12
I think flick was referring to this:
"I guess I just feel a little angry at all these young mothers that don't have a stable income or emotional support necessary to support a baby, and I don't want to feel like I'm the oldest mother when I go to my future childrens school events and things."
That was... a little bit nasty. LOL!
Look, I'm 33 and I just started TTC. That's late. To you, it is "old." Haha!
This "let's wait til we have advanced degrees and a six-figure income" attitude toward child-bearing, you must understand, is quite recent in the evolution of our culture. My mom had me when she was 18. She didn't get pregnant until well after she was married. She was barely 17 when she married. My mother came from a middle class family - not at all rich, but they owned a home and had cars and my grandfather worked and everyone was educated and had all their teeth.
My mom had four kids by the time she was 28. My best friend, one of those unweed teen moms you're upset about, is 29 and has four. She's a fantastic mother and her kids are amazing. There are lots of wonderful moms who do not have awesome careers outside the home. I've got no beef with working mothers, but my good friend with four kids - they lead a pretty simple lifestyle and aren't able to spend a lot, but they survive on Dad's income. Mom stays home.
You cannot judge a mother based on age. You just can't. That's where you touched a nerve with your post. My mom by all accounts was a good mother at age 18 - and I think I turned out ok - and I have seen really crappy moms in their 30s. No doubt older mothers are more mature, but this doesn't always translate into being an awesome mother.
Now as for your question: your body has this biological imperative. Your "biological clock." You want to reproduce because you were designed to. You're phrasing it like an intellectual question, and in a way it is, but you must understand that if you CHOOSE to wait until you're in your 30s, you gain things, but you also give things up.
I didn't wait 'til I was 33 because I wanted to have three degrees and a fancy job and a big house. My husband and I are those un-degreed college-dropout people you hear about on the news bathing in buckets in the front yard. (Kidding.) I waited b/c I wanted to be married to the right person. And in my 20s I was sort of partying, so there's that.
I know I'll be the oldest mom at the pre-school, especially if I continue to living in the South (and I hope I do). I don't care. I don't think you really care, either. I think you just want a baby really badly and you're rethinking your decision to wait another decade or so before you have one. That's a perfectly normal human feeling to have.
It seems like a lot of us feel a sense of shame about our desire to have kids nowadays. I know I did. I felt like I was supposed to want a career way more. And if you do, that's fine. But I never did, and I felt like I was kind of primitive and gross for it, and I got that attidue from other young "hip" professional women, who seemed to think feminism means shaming women who don't think success and money are more important than motherhood.
You're still in college and not married so you have some time to make the decision about what you want to do first. And whatever decision you make, you'll expect people to be cool about it, so you should be the same way about other moms.
Best of luck to you.Mrs. H.
Trying for our first.
Gabriel . David. Walker. James . Michael
Clementine . Ophelia . Emerald . Marie . Margot
Avatar: Morticia Addams
April 30th, 2013 12:56 PM #14Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2013
Whatever path you choose, you're going to make sacrifices somewhere.
I'm 24, and I'm having my first baby in June. I waited until after I graduated college to get married and have children, but I plan to be a stay-at-home mom with this baby, so that means I'm definitely not going to have that career that other women might have. Without a second income, there's going to be some sacrifices in our family. We won't be able to own a home for a while. It will take us longer to pay off student loan debt. But we didn't want to wait until we were 30 to have kids, because for us, having a family was more important than reaching our financial goals in a shorter amount of time. (But by no means are we financially unstable).
For others, by waiting to have kids, they'll probably be able to own a home earlier, pay off debt faster, take more vacations, and have more saved up for retirement. Those are all great things. But like you said, they'll come at the expense of waiting to have kids, and being an "older" parent, among other things.
If you're only worried about knowing moms your own age, I wouldn't worry too much. Your social group will change a lot by the time you're 30. I'm sure you'll be able to find other moms at age 30 with young children. The internet forums may give you a false impression that almost everyone out there is a teen mom, when really, it's probably just the population of that particular forum. Forum communities tend to be insular - they attract people of the same type, so you can find forums of only teen moms, twenty-something geeks, fundamentalist homeschoolers, etc. Each one is a reflection of only a very small portion of the outside world, not all of it.
Another thing I note is that you are worrying over a problem that hasn't happened yet, and that might never happen. Not only might you find you have plenty of friends with kids at 30, but you're planning very far into the future. There's a good chance you might change your mind in a few years. People can change, their priorities change, and situations change.