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April 30th, 2013 09:11 PM #46
I always wanted to be a "young mom" (agreeing that this term is highly relative; ) however, that's not the way things worked out for us. Between getting 5 degrees between us, buying a home, starting 2 careers, losing a job, foreclosing on a home, picking up the pieces and moving on..... a baby has not happened for us in the 8 years we've been married. Now at 28, I am dealing with the very real possibility if infertility in the form of endometriosis. Looking back, I sometimes wish we would have started our family sooner, but honestly, it was a blessing that we didn't. Dragging a child through all of the heartache we've been through the last few years would have been a nightmare. So while I DEFINITELY hear my bio clock ticking louder and louder as each day passes, I'm actually glad we don't have kids yet. We definitely had several years to grow up together and experience numerous adventures, good and bad. I wouldn't change that. I guess my two cents would be to cherish what you have, and try not to be a slave to the "what ifs" or the green eyes monster. I guarantee that some of your friends with several children envy your baby-free life, (as I have encountered these comments time and time again.). Best of luck to you!One Beloved Son - Raphael David
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April 30th, 2013 09:38 PM #48Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2013
I'll might get slammed but I'm not going to change my opinion to please others.
Firstly, I was 25 when I had Bugsy, it made me young compared to the mothers in my mums group who were all around 35. I say he was half planned, I want of BC and then got scared and went back on, but I was already pregnant.
Although not important to everyone, it was important to me and my husband that we had both experienced life and finished university before we got pregnant. We traveled and partied, and had fun before we had Bugsy, not that you can't do that with children, it's just much harder! We also owned a home, which our parents helped us out with. I completely, completely understand that it's not a possibility for everyone.
The fact is, it takes more than love to raise a child, no matter how you phrase it, financial security is important. I am not suggesting you need to be flushed with cash, but during pregnancy being comfortable is helpful. I didn't want to be stressing about money in such a happy time in my life.
For me it was about being able to support ourselves while I wasn't working (I had 8 months off work, but I guess that isn't the norm), I wanted to spend as much time with Bugsy as I could while he was small.
My mum on the other hand, had her first baby at 20, my sister, at 23 she had my brothers (twins) and then at 44 she became a grandmother for the first time when my sister had her first. My mum got clucky and crazily decided that she wanted one more baby...me! I think she was slightly nuts to "plan" it that way but it has worked out for the best, I grew up with my nieces and nephews one of whom is a year older than me! My sister is already a grandmother and I am just having my second baby! Anyway, that's probably not that relevant.
So really the decision to have a baby shouldn't be put on anyone else except the people who are involved. You are in control, so if you want to, wait. In no way is thirty too old to be starting out!
P.S Emilia's advice is gold!
Last edited by goldielocks; April 30th, 2013 at 09:47 PM.Mama to Bugsy William, Jem Richmond and Tallulah Dorothy.
May 1st, 2013 07:05 AM #50
This is an interesting discussion. I don't think there is one right or best way for a woman to live her life. Everybody must decide what is best or right for them and hope that it works out the way they planned.
I had my son at age 32 after earning my Ph.D., starting my career, and being married for 2 years. This was right for me because I valued education highly, wanted a challenging career, and wanted to make sure I wasn't going to struggle financially while raising children. I fully acknowledge this path would not be right for everyone and it is not the best path. However, it was the best path for me.
What I would suggest to the original poster is to really spend sometime thinking about your choice to delay having children as long as you laid out. Is it really what you want or is it what your partner feels best and so you are ltrying to convince yourself it is best? The reason I ask that is most people who are confident in their decisions don't worry or get angry about how others live their lives. I don't ever remember looking at a young mother and thinking she shouldn't have had children so young so I wouldn't feel older when I had mine. In my 20's when I saw young mothers, I would think "as long as she is happy with her choices, good for her - glad its not me."
The only other thought I have on this topic is that life is what happens when we are busy making other plans. Planning only goes so far; things may or may not work out the way you plan. I was speaking to a wise women with an 11 year old son yesterday. She grew up in a family of 7 children and wanted at least 3 of her own. She felt it would be terrible for a child growing up as an only. She did not have any problems having her first child but then suffered 3 miscarriages. Eventually, she decided she could choice to be miserable over what she didn't have or happy over what she did have. And she choice to be happy. Now she concentrates on the advantages she can give to an only child that he would have if they had more children while trying to find ways for him to feel more connected to a larger family (cousins, etc.)
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May 1st, 2013 09:41 AM #52Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
I have been a younger mom and an older mom. Each has its ups and downs. I was 23 when I had my oldest son. People have always said that I look younger than I am, so at 23, I often got "you can't be a day over 17!" Old ladies at the grocery store, library, bank, etc would ask me if he was my little brother or turn their noses up at me and ask if I'd finished high school! lol It bothered me. And while I really wanted to tell them it was none of their damn business, I would just inform them that no, he was not my little brother, he was my son and yes I did finish high school and was almost finished with college. I corrected them in hopes that they would feel bad for being so judgmental and perhaps save the next poor girl in her early twenties.
I actually agree with the comments about age and energy level. I had my first at 23 and second at 29. Wow, was there ever a difference for me in the amount of energy I had and my body's ability to recover from childbirth! At 23 I felt much better, much faster after having him. I lost baby weight quickly and easily. I could go and go and go on little sleep with a newborn. I took care of him, had a job and stayed in college part time. At 29 it seemed like it took forever for my body to heal from childbirth. I couldn't deal as well with lack of sleep. I could barely take care of both kiddos, work part time and remember to brush my hair! And I never lost all of the baby weight! I am having #3 in a few weeks, at 32, and am a little worried with how I am going to keep up enough energy to play with and take care of a 9 year old, 3 year old and a newborn.
Knowing what I know now, if I had the chance to go back, I would have had all of my kiddos closer together, younger, through my twenties. I say that because I would like to hope that when my boys are teenagers, I will still be young and hip and with the times enough to be able to talk to them and know what's going on with them. I do want to get them raised, off to college, out of the house, so the hubs and I can enjoy some time together again before we're 90. I don't want to be mistaken for their grandparents at high school graduation. lol I want to be around to see grandchildren and great grandchildren!
I don't think there is a right age or perfect time to have a baby. There will be pros and cons at any age. But I'm pretty sure, no matter how old you are, when you get to have a child, the pros outweigh the cons by far every time!Married to Matthew
Mommy to Carter Benjamin (9) and Griffin Oliver (3) and Emmett Nicholas (brand new)