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April 6th, 2013 04:58 PM #11
It's been a long time since I've been in a relationship like this, but I can tell you from experience that if you don't learn to trust each other, this kind of drama is going to keep happening. And I'm sorry if I'm a Debbie Downer, but drinking and partying isn't ever going to help you build trust.
I would also be livid if my SO went out and got smashed and allowed one of his friends to use his phone to harass me all night. That's just inappropriate and disrespectful.
I think you guys need to have a calm, rational, sober conversation about trust and respect. You need to demand both from each other.
I know from previous conversations with you that you and your SO are in a serious, committed relationship and you plan on getting married. How you behave toward each other now, is a road map for how you will behave toward each other in the future.
beautiful_haiku was right, you can't be mad at how you allow yourself to be treated. So if you're serious about your relationship you have to let him know what your expectations are and demand to be treated with respect. Especially if he's serious about joining the military. How are you guys going to make it when he's hundreds or thousands of miles away, if you can't trust each other in the same neighborhood?Under construction...
April 6th, 2013 05:02 PM #13Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2012
Is this about names?????
April 6th, 2013 11:18 PM #15
to the OP. I agree with most of the others. I think when you are both sober you need to have a calm talk about double standards, but you also need to work on trust. If you trust your boyfriend then him drinking with girls should not be an issue.
April 7th, 2013 12:17 AM #17Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2010
If I remember correctly, you are a teenager (I want to say 16-17) and your bf (fiance?) is the same age roughly. It's been a while since I was this age, but I had a few thoughts. My BF (who is now my DH) and I were the only ones in our group of friends who were engaged way back when -- we were in college though, not high school. I remember feeling very isolated during that time in our relationship. When we were alone, it was all love and excitement -- planning our future and being lovey-dovey! When we were with friends, we seemed to take turns being "the jerk" who gave in to peer pressure or managed to upset the other person somehow. Our friends really DID mean well and they loved us/supported us, but they tempted us with fun stuff.... NORMAL teenager/young adult stuff, like parties, drinking (be safe!), games, being silly, staying up all night. Their minds and hearts were not in a long-term relationship and it was hard for us to stay true to our goal when they were all around. Being that we were young and still had ALOT to learn about relationships...we did not communicate very well. We thought we did, but we didn't - I can say that now as a "mature" older lady! I would urge you to talk to your bf and tell him how you feel and the two of you should talk about what your goals are for your relationship, how you want to deal with friends/peer issues, difficult situations you may face, etc. Communication is the only way that you can build and move forward and trust each other.
The other thing I will say is that while "young love" gives me a warm feeling inside -- I love that I'm still with mine. .but it's not easy and it's not nearly as simple as it seems when you are involved in it. You have to work at it just like any relationship. Also, alot of the time you may feel obligated to continue or go to the next steps just because it's part of the plan or you are hanging onto that young love feeling. It may not be meant to be though. As you get older and find out what you need/want in relationships, not all relationships can survive that.
Sorry, didn't really answer your questions. I went off on a tangent a bitWife to one great guy
Mama to six pretty ladies: Scarlett (13), Penelope (10) Alice (4), Fiona (4), Lucille (2) & Coraline (2)
& 4 angels gone before us: Christian (7 wks), Amos (6 wks), Naomi (16.5 wks), & Hosanna (6 wks)
~We fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.~
April 7th, 2013 01:15 AM #19Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2012
Thank you so much for all the input!!!
I talked to SO today after he had recovered from his hangover. And I did apologize to him for over reacting. However he had no idea that A was using his phone. He knew that A had taken because he said we both needed to calm down. So I let him read the messages and see my call log and he's going to talk to A the next time he sees him about it. He was actually quite mad about A using his phone.
We talked about the double standard thing and worked through a bit of it. We've agreed that getting totally drunk without one another is, for the moment, not okay. However having a drink or two while we're with friends (together or separately) is okay. I had to make him understand that mybiggest issue wasn't his drinking but the double standard it set.
As to trust, I trust him not to cheat on me while being hundreds or thousands of miles away. I didn't think he needed my permission to get drunk, I just wanted to be in the loop since girls I did not know were involved. I was nervous because he had never been drunk before and I didn't know what to expect from him. That's why I was concerned.
Someone asked if I knew the girls, I did not. They were girls that A knew. Age wise I am 18 & 1/2 now and SO will be 18 at the end of May. We are in a serious long term relationship. A previous poster said that teenage boys who talk about marriage and kids is probably lying. I agree that 99% of the time that is the case. With SO he has 3 wants in life and he's had them since I met him five years ago: be a Marine, be a good husband and be a good father. So I'm more inclined to believe him. I'm not trying to pull a "My relationship is different and special" this is just based of knowing SO's personality and goals in life.
We try to be adults about our relationship but there are times we need to be teenagers. Going partying is a teenager thing that is done and I'm okay with it.
I hope a replied to everyone and answered whatever, if any, questions there were. If there are any typos or random periods I apologize as I'm on my cellphone and the keypad acts up occasionally. Thanks again for the input/advice.