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April 6th, 2013 08:32 AM #1Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2012
I know I Over Reacted But Am I Wrong to be Mad?
My SO went to a friend's house last night and wound up smashed. Which would be fine if it was just SO and the friend but it wasn't. It was the two of them, two of our other friends and a few chicks. And his case wasn't helped by the fact that he will guilt trip me any time I have one drink and I tell him I'm going to have it. Of course he admits that when I'm drunk he doesn't trust me not to do anything stupid so why is it okay for him to get drunk without letting me know with either girls around?
All of of this of course made me extremely mad and I told SO so. I was in general a sarcastic witch.
Our mutual friend, A, wound up taking SO's phone and telling me that I was ruining everyone's night because SO was now upset that I was mad at him. I told him I was sorry that SO was that upset but I was mad and felt that I had every right to be. He then told me I was hateful, hypocritical and a horrible girlfriend since SO obviously wasn't going to do anything stupid since he was there, staying sober since he had to be at work at 7. A insist on repeated phone calls to my cell phone to tell me how upset and sorry SO was and how he was physically sick because he was so upset. And when I stopped answering my phone (1 am) so I could sleep before I had to be at work he called the house phone and woke up my father.
So A and I wound up in an argument as well. And my father is now mad at them both.
So I know I over reacted to the fact that he was so drunk but was I wrong to be mad? The situation would have been so much better had 1) there been no girls or 2) he had given me a heads up.
Sorry that was so long but I needed to tell someone who wasn't currently mad at me how I felt.
April 6th, 2013 09:26 AM #3Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2012
- London, England
I think you're entitled to your feelings. And I do think he should've told you about it, as it seems to me like you have a very serious relationship, and this is the thing you usually do. It kind of seems like he overreacted to me... And the friend, if I was your father I'd be mad at him too! I can't cope with people who interfere in others arguments like that.
I'm very different than you, when I choose to be with someone I need to trust them completely, even with a drink in their hands. I don't think lovers need to tell each other what they do and who they see all the time, I believe individuals need freedom to be able to be together. But that's my opinion, and might not work for everyone.My darling Marian Illyria Aphrodite, March 2013 & Little Bunny (a girl!) due 9th of February 2014
April 6th, 2013 10:09 AM #5Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2013
If I'm being completely honest, I think in some aspects your feelings are understandable but I also think your being a little bit unreasonable.
Here's why I think your being unreasonable.
I'm assuming you don't live with your SO. Unless you two had plans last night, and he blew you off to get drunk with his friends. I'm failing to see why you have an issue with him going drinking with his friends. Also, unless you don't fully trust your SO, why does it matter that girls were there? I wouldn't personally see the fact that girls were present a reason to be mad. I guess he could have mentioned it to you, so you were in the loop, but if you were (for example) going shopping with a girlfriend, would he get mad if you didn't tell him? This personally strikes me as odd. I'm trying not to apply the norms in my relationship to yours but I think you may be overreacting.
I think your feelings are understandable because:
It isn't okay for him to get mad at you for drinking if he does it himself. Double standards really irritate me. It also was totally out of line for A to call your house phone so late. I think being mad for these reasons is totally okay and understandable.
I think you overreacted if I'm honest. I'm thinking back to when my DH and I were dating and if he simply went drinking with his friends (male and female) on a night when we weren't planning on doing anything, I honestly wouldn't have cared.
I agree with @ottilie that there may be some trust issues at play here. I also agree that time apart and with other people is good for relationships.
I think you two need to resolve your trust issues because this will only get worse over time. From other posts of yours that I've read it sounds like you two have a great relationship. I hope you can resolve your issues with him and your friend.
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April 6th, 2013 10:44 AM #7Junior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2013
- On the shore of the ocean
There were a few things that stood out to me.
1) He doesn't trust you when you have a drink. He does not trust you. A relationship should be built on trust. Not double standards. If he doesn't like it when you drink, he shouldn't drink either. Or, conversely, in he drinks, he should be okay with you drinking.
2) The friend got involved way beyond what he should. It sounds to me like the friend was trying to guilt trip you for getting on your SOs case. He got way too involved in this, and he needs to know when to back off. He was completely out of line by repeatedly calling you, and then calling the house when you stopped answering. Either you need to talk to him about it, or you need to get your SO to talk to him about it.
3) It sounds like you don't trust your SO when he drinks. Like I said before, a relationship should be built on trust. If you can't trust your SO, than perhaps (and maybe I'm overstepping my bounds right now, and I apologize if I am), you need to reevaluate your relationship. You should sit down and have an honest chat with your SO. If you don't trust each other, it is not a good relationship, and one or both of you will end up getting hurt.
I personally think you have every right to get mad at your SO for the double standard that he set. I don't think you should be mad just because he was drinking. To me, it sounds like the main problem is the friend. He exacerbated the situation by continuously calling you. But it does sound like trust issues are also at play.*Brynn Saskia - 03/31/2010
*Baby Boy - due 07/19/2013
April 6th, 2013 10:45 AM #9
I am sure I am in the minority, but i believe getting drunk at all is absolutely inappropriate.
Having standards is not something to feel bad about.
Sounds like too much drama. Theres someone out there that is more respectable for youMom to Tess, Kaia, Jasper and dogs Brody, Max and Felix
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