Names Searched Right Now:
Page 4 of 4 FirstFirst ... 2 3 4
Results 16 to 19 of 19
  1. #16
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    778
    Quote Originally Posted by ellenelle View Post
    I would probably word the response about the unwanted thrift store gifts a little more strongly so that there is less room for your real meaning slipping through the cracks. Is the fact that the breast pump doesn't work the reason you don't want it, or is it because you don't want it at all? She might just think she needs to bring you breast pumps that do work... And as for the kids having enough toys, I think that statement kind of leaves the "so...stop bringing them" unsaid. I think you can be a little more direct without hurting her feelings: "Hey, ___, I just wanted to let you know: Thanks for all your support over the years. We are in a much better place thanks to friends and family and our own hard work, so we actually don't need gifts and toys like this anymore. In fact, we barely have room for the kids' toys and are planning to give some away ourselves! I think you should find someone else who has more need for toys and supplies; I am sure someone else could use them more." You could add other things like "Let's go donate toys together" or "Could you limit the toys to Christmas and birthdays? That way, we'll be able to keep a handle on where everything goes" or "I vastly prefer our lunches/coffees out over receiving things."

    I don't know if that is remotely helpful; I don't mean to super critique what you planned to say. I just think think that you shouldn't be afraid to get a little more firm; instead of simply mentioning what is wrong with the gifts or getting them and letting her draw the conclusions (which she doesn't seem good at doing), let her know that you would prefer not to receive them anymore, too.
    This is good advice. I feel that too much subtlety will be lost on her. People often hear what they want to hear. If what she wants is to keep getting you stuff, she might take the toys comment to meant that you're good on toys but need more clothes or other stuff for the kids. And it's not like you'd have wanted to use a one-user breast pump after a stranger even if it did work. This wording is firmer but is still gentle enough, I think.

  2. #18
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Location
    Oregon
    Posts
    968
    I really feel for you!! I've had difficulty setting boundaries and saying no to people my whole life, and have gotten myself involved in some extremely negative relationships because of it. It is really hard to stand up for yourself if it conflicts with your ideals. If you truly believe it's never okay to hurt someone's feelings, you have to find a motivation that overrides your desire to please, or you will never be able to stand up to this person and make it stick. I suspect she is going to file away your attempt to put your foot down and use it later to guilt-trip you into to letting her continue her domineering behavior.

    For me, that overriding motivation was my kids (I don't have children yet, but thinking of the future). I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, and I could always justify putting up with crap from the boyfriend because it was somehow my fault that he acted that way and I had this ideal of who I needed to be in our relationship. But one day it occurred to me that if I had children with him, he wasn't going to treat them any differently, and my blood just BOILED. It was a huge wake-up call for me. I imagined all the things he had said and done to me being said and done to a little child with my eyes and that was the end of it. I left him.

    That mothering instinct is a powerful thing. Imagine how this woman is going to behave towards Quinton when he is older, particularly if she views him as her godson. Think of all the ways she has ever manipulated you or controlled you or ignored your wishes, even (especially!) under the guise of being helpful. Imagine her doing this to your son in his teenage years. I don't know this woman, but I know people like her, and it does not seem like too much of a stretch to think that she may at some point disagree with a parenting method of yours and feel like it is her responsibility as his "godmother" to steer him in a different direction.

    If you find it difficult to stand up to her for your own sake, let that motherly protective instinct speak to you, and if you feel like her behavior is unhealthy for your children in any way, use it to help you put your foot down! Lay out your boundaries and don't mince words. People with that sort of personality will refuse to acknowledge hints or subtlety...they have enough trouble accepting the truth when it is a neon sign in their faces! Don't let her wounded reaction sway you...it's just another manipulation technique intended to put you back in the submissive role. Once you have made your boundaries clear and she discovers that the crocodile tears don't work, she will test and push those boundaries to see if you're really serious. Don't cave, or you'll be right back where you started. Instead, let every push increase the distance between you. If she realizes that disrespecting you in this way is going to lessen her control over you still further, she will either concede to your terms so to speak, or she will move on to find another relationship that satisfies her codependent mother hen complex.

    Be strong You can always come here for support!

    (Disclaimery thing: Everything I've said in this post is advice and assumptions based on my own personal experience. I totally get that not every situation is the same, and if you feel like my assumptions are way off or my advice makes you uncomfortable, by all means, do what you feel is best for you and your family! ^_^)
    Zion Nathaniel ~ Solomon Fable ~ Balthazar Wolf ~ Malachi Sparrow nn Kai ~ Tobias Rowan ~ Endymion _____ nn Ender ~ Caspian _____
    Alice Willow ~ Ophelia Wren ~ Lucia Pearl ~ Eve Wisteria nn Evie ~ Cosima Rose ~ River _____

    GPs
    Narnia Rose, Luna Seraphine, Astoria nn Story, Illyria, Serafina, Soraya, Faerydae
    Orion Melchior North, Tobias Loki, Edmund, Frost, Oberon, Kenshin, Remiel, Atreyu

  3. #20
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    South Australia
    Posts
    915
    Quote Originally Posted by mimimommy View Post
    Thank you for all the responses. Some of them have described the situation back to me quite accurately, and that is what I needed, some sort of outside perspective on this. She does have a number of co-dependency traits, though not all (she never appears angry for example). So here's the plan: Next time she calls I will kindly inform her of the existence of the PM feature on facebook, as well as the fact that the breast pump she got me doesn't work, and sneak in a hint that there's a reason people bring stuff like that to a thrift store. I'll also bring up the fact that my kids are loaded with toys as it is, and that we're running out of room. Hopefully that will be enough to get the message across without hurting her feelings. I suspect that she's a little "dense" (don't know how else to word this kindly) if she were older I'd be inclined to say she was in the early stages of dementia due to her often repeating the same stories etc but she's been doing that for as long as I've known her which is going on 7 years.
    That's a great way to handle it but maybe be a bit clearer about the toys. She might miss that hint. If she doesn't get the hint make sure that you are more forward with her. She is probably trying to fill a need in herself by helping you and doesn't realise that she is being imposing. I have a friend I have had to distance myself from because she was trying to help me but was making my angry, frustrated and invading my personal life. I didn't cut contact off with her but I always think about what I will and won't tell her about certain situations.

    I don't know how old she is but as you mentioned it dementia isn't limited to old people only. People in their 30's or 40's can get dementia.
    The 3 Princesses in my life...

    Elizabeth Hope
    Annabelle Cadence
    Madeleine Pearl

  4. #22
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    778
    Quote Originally Posted by sleepysessha View Post

    For me, that overriding motivation was my kids (I don't have children yet, but thinking of the future). I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, and I could always justify putting up with crap from the boyfriend because it was somehow my fault that he acted that way and I had this ideal of who I needed to be in our relationship. But one day it occurred to me that if I had children with him, he wasn't going to treat them any differently, and my blood just BOILED. It was a huge wake-up call for me. I imagined all the things he had said and done to me being said and done to a little child with my eyes and that was the end of it. I left him.
    I feel the same. I've put up with a lot of crap and had a hard time sticking up for myself, especially with men. I'm so glad I didn't have children with my ex. I would have hated seeing him for what he was after there were kids involved who he had a legal right to be involved with.

    I also made a bold move for me and cut off ties with one of my friends. This was not a planned pregnancy and even though I'd decided I wanted to raise this baby and was really excited about it, he was pushing me to abort. If he'd been telling me to do something that I knew was wrong for me in any other situation, I probably would have let it slide or even been convinced by him. But instead I told him to get away from me and my baby and haven't talked to him since.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •