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Thread: Just getting this out there.
December 4th, 2012 09:09 AM #1Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2011
Just getting this out there.
I have a pretty severe anxiety disorder and have been afraid to participate on here since I found out I'm pregnant. I will sometimes say something somewhere, and even convinced myself to ask about a specific name a few weeks ago, but I'm always afraid that even those small things will make something go wrong with this pregnancy. I logically recognize that there is not and cannot be any connection.
I have been extraordinarily lucky to have a relatively physically easy pregnancy, and I'm grateful for that. I need to post something to prove to myself that it won't 'jinx' us. I have a cardiologist appointment today... I've been feeling something that feels like skipped beats, and my heart rate is occasionally a bit too high (it was 108 resting when I was there and the doctor was concerned but said it wasn't high enough to put Spawn in immediate danger). They're doing an echo to see if the muscle is weakened (I didn't know it was done that way, but I'm trying to trust them). I'm absolutely terrified. I don't want anything to hurt the baby, I don't want anything to be wrong with me, I don't want to get sick just because I got pregnant.
I know this is just a bunch of rambles... there's other things going on that are probably causing it.
I'm seeing an endocrinologist about my thyroid later this week. My OB sent me to the emergency room for chest pain two weeks ago and, being an emergency room, they had to look into the most dangerous possibility so they pretty reluctantly did a CT scan. (I've had way too many of those for 21.) It's slightly enlarged and the levels are just a bit high. My Mom had some pretty massive thyroid problems after pregnancy though, so they want me to be monitored by a specialist just in case. Oh, and there's also a 3mm nodule on a lymph node. The ER doctor said that it isn't likely to be clinically significant in the absence of malignancy, but it's still freaking me out. Who would that not freak out, right?
I just had to get something out and on here before I go to prove to myself that this site cannot cause physical problems. I don't know what'll happen if there's something wrong, I'm just supposed to challenge my crazy as much as possible. I'm really not looking for sympathy or support, I really just needed to post something about myself somewhere. I'm extremely embarrassed about this.
My OBs office has been wonderful, at least. I see them on Wednesday so I'll at least get to have him checked on no matter how things go with the cardiologist.
December 4th, 2012 10:11 AM #3
I understand how crippling anxiety can be. If anyone can have a "mild" form of OCD, then I had it at one point. If not, it was something else. I logically understood that it didn't matter how many steps/rings of the phone/seconds it takes-- it is not connected to outcomes, but I could not stop counting, and the number I landed on "mattered." I know your situation is different, but I just wanted to let you know I understand why you are posting this. Do not be embarrassed (easy to say, right?)
You have my support even if you weren't looking for it.
December 4th, 2012 10:19 AM #5
Insight into the problem is a hallmark of anxiety disorders. The thoughts are obtrusive and unwanted, but there nonetheless. Congratulations on taking the plunge here-- it's a great first step.
As you doubtless know anxiety disorder is associated with palpitations, as is thyroid disease. The chance of you having structural heart disease at 21 (neither an old person who's abused her body, nor a baby with a birth defect) is very low. An echo is just an ultrasound of your heart-- it's painless and there is no radiation, so no danger of hurting your baby.XY: Antoine Raphael (3.1.2012)
XX: Cassia Viviane Noor (11.30.2013)
December 5th, 2012 02:36 AM #7
Do not be embarrassed.
I was paranoid that if something could go wrong during my pregnancy it would, I was so worried that something would go wrong and I didn't have anyone really to talk to about such feelings. I didn't want to buy a bunch of baby stuff and have an empty crib sitting there for fear it'd be tempting fate, I didn't want to have a baby shower until after I delivered, and well you get the idea. It wasn't logical either, but I was terrified all the way up until I was holding my daughter in my arms that I'd lose her and I was absolutely petrified I'd die during childbirth.
I guess my point is that it is important to talk about your worries so you know that you aren't alone in having fears and anxiety about having a baby.
December 5th, 2012 11:42 PM #9Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2011
Thank you all so much for being so supportive and understanding. It really does help to know that I'm not alone.
Spawn is, luckily, doing well. Everything went pretty well with the cardiologist. My heart is structurally fine, but my heart rate was still a bit too high. It was today at the OB, too. The doctor wants me to consider going on beta blockers. I really don't want to... I don't really know what to do or who to talk to about it. I suppose my therapist, but he really can't offer much guidance. I don't want it to get high enough to hurt Spawn in any way. I'm terrified of PPCM, but the OB said it doesn't seem like that yet. I do feel like I screwed up a little when she asked if I have trouble breathing - I said no, but I do when I'm moving in certain ways. I thought they were normal things, like putting my shoes on and rolling over, sometimes walking too fast or slouching, but now I'm afraid that I withheld important information. The cardiologist also didn't say much about the skipping feeling. I'm still just so nervous. This is probably all weight and, like blade said, thyroid related.
Thank you again for your support and understanding. It really does help to know that other people have had similar experiences. I'm still afraid this will jinx something, but this is the only way I'll learn that it can't.
Last edited by katushka; December 6th, 2012 at 12:07 AM. Reason: Detail