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  1. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
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    774
    And I also want to add that most women I know are having kids in their late 20's/ early 30's. Back in 2002, I was an odd demographic of a mom...college educated, married before pregnancy (not for long, we had a "small % that the bcp doesnt work even when used properly" baby!) young mom. Found I didnt "fit" in many social circles of other moms due to these factors and now that my oldest is ten its not that big of a deal, but I am still one of the younger moms at their school for having kids the age I do. All this to say, even if you are 30 when you have your first, it does not mean you have missed out or anything as most educated women are in fact waiting until they are that age to have their first too.

    My DH' s mom was 35 when he was born, and he was the youngest of 3. Always had the "old mom" as he remembers from PTA etc, but now like I said, most women are around that age having young ones so its not unusual in the least. The moms of Seb and B's friends are all early to mid 40's except one who is a year older than me (with an 8 year old) and they think its so funny I graduated hs in 1997. They attend a small private school, so I am sure that in a larger more diverse population of a public school that you wilo find moms who are having kids younger, just giving you my current experience so you realize you have plenty of time.
    Married to my love since August 2001
    --—————————————
    My lovely bunch of coconuts;
    Sebastian Elihu (7/02)
    Bronwen Eliza (2/04)
    Linus Ezra Graham (9/06)
    Violet Leona (1/09) and
    Wolfgang Levi (3/13)
    Always missing our Felix Emmanuel (10/10-10/10)

  2. #8
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    1,109
    Quote Originally Posted by jemama View Post
    I agree. You are still so young. My first was born when I was 23 and while we love him, having him young (I was fresh out of college when I got pregnant) was for certain difficult on many levels. I think its normal to have the "grass is alwats greener" mentality. I recently spent time with my sisters sister in law who is 24 and she was lamenting to us how she wishes she was married with kids erc. Both my sister and I admitted that we wished to live her life for a day. Sleeping until 10am, slowly getting out of bed and going to a fun job being able to spend the money on extras after bills and have weekends off, truly off! I love my place in life now, but there are days when I think of sleep, precious sleep, and making a yoga class that does not involve my 3 year old if you kwim.

    Dont force it, enjoy your place now and livein the now. I wilo admit to spending my younger years not doing this and waiting for the next step and wondering when it will happen. Use this time to prepare yourself to be your future self whatever that may be. I do not regret my 20's and thankfully my husband and I have grown up together instead of growing in different directions and he has been able to pursue career goals normally reserved to the "before kids" catagory for many BS two months before Seb was born, masters in education in 2008 and is currently in the process of taking classes for his
    mba...yes, people joke we "do things the hard way". And in a way, they are right, the school thing is do-able but *much harder* with kids in tow.
    Totally agree. My best friend just got married and she has a terrible case of baby fever right now and how she was jealous of me, and I said "Honestly, I wish I could have your life for a few days" I miss being able to stay up until 4 or 5 am, going out all the time, going to the movies or dinner on a whim... I do miss the "baby free" life. But I also love my life right now too, I'm so proud of my daughter and being a young mom (I'm 25) is cool and I am debating on when to have our second (last) child, because I want to be as young as possible. But you can never take advice to heart 100% from other people, I understand your feelings because I had baby fever like crazy when I was 21-22, but I was in a serious relationship at the time. I think the sperm bank idea is kind of silly. You're only 21, what makes you think you won't find the man of your dreams in the next few years? It's very rare to find your perfect match so early in life (I was lucky) so just let things come as they are, enjoy your life now being young and single and free!
    My cherished daughter, Rowan Jane. ~b. 10/2011~


    Sawyer ~ Aven ~ Elowen ~ Sage ~ Eilonwy ~ Eleanor
    Morgan ~ Asher ~ ___ ~ ___ ~ Currently trying to fill the blanks...


    Trying for #2 in January 2014.

  3. #10
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    La La Land
    Posts
    1,290
    Quote Originally Posted by dayjoysky2815 View Post
    Honey, you are so young. I know exactly how you feel though. When I was an ER tech and a pre-med student several years ago, everytime a co-worker would get pregnant, I'd get so jealous. I was jealous that they were going through pregnancy, which seemed like such a blessing and a miracle. I was jealous that they'd get to be a mom. I was jealous of their relationship with their husband. I always wanted kids and a big family but also wanted to go to med school and felt as if I could not do both. But I did. There is hope.

    I did not have my first daughter until I was 31 and at the end of my residency. I had my twins this September, and I am 33. I plan on having 1 or two more. I'm not old, and I don't feel old. I'm glad I waited now. I was able to experience so much in my life that I would not have been able to experience if I had to financially support children. I went away to med school in another state. I met my husband and we spent years traveling and hiking together. We made a lot of friends inside and outside of our marriage and saved up money for a fairly large house. We saved up to be able to support our future kids. When the time came, we had our children, and I am so glad I waited. The fact that I was not only financially but also emotionally ready to support my children is an amazing blessing.

    Your time for motherhood will come, and it is closer than you think. You are so young and are yet to meet your prince charming. At age 21 you are not emotionally and probably not financially ready to support your children. I assume you are going to school because you are chasing a career that you want to pursue. Keep this as your short term goal, and children as your long term. You don't have to settle for a sperm donor! You are jumping the gun. You WILL find your prince charming. You will have children of your own. Just wait it out. You are so young, you don't even realize it.
    Oh wow! You are a doctor? What kind of doctor, may I ask? I'm very impressed.

    You are right. I'm neither financially or emotionally ready for a baby, and I won't be for the next three to six years. I guess it is because I see a bunch of other girls my age and even younger having a second or third baby (which is kind of outrageous, I realize). But I guess I get jealous, especially since my cousin who is a month younger than me is already settling down. She was due next month but lost the baby, and I suspect that she will continue TTCing very soon.

    I guess I just don't feel very young. I would like to have all of my children before thirty-five (not that thirty-five is old, but it is more of a preference).
    Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

  4. #12
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    La La Land
    Posts
    1,290
    Quote Originally Posted by rowangreeneyes View Post
    Totally agree. My best friend just got married and she has a terrible case of baby fever right now and how she was jealous of me, and I said "Honestly, I wish I could have your life for a few days" I miss being able to stay up until 4 or 5 am, going out all the time, going to the movies or dinner on a whim... I do miss the "baby free" life. But I also love my life right now too, I'm so proud of my daughter and being a young mom (I'm 25) is cool and I am debating on when to have our second (last) child, because I want to be as young as possible. But you can never take advice to heart 100% from other people, I understand your feelings because I had baby fever like crazy when I was 21-22, but I was in a serious relationship at the time. I think the sperm bank idea is kind of silly. You're only 21, what makes you think you won't find the man of your dreams in the next few years? It's very rare to find your perfect match so early in life (I was lucky) so just let things come as they are, enjoy your life now being young and single and free!
    How is the idea of going to a sperm bank silly?

    I'm not a very social person and have trust issues in regards to relationships that I just don't see it happening. But I don't want to miss out on motherhood too.
    Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

  5. #14
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Posts
    1,899
    Honestly, I think it might be a good idea for you to get referred to a psychologist for a bit.
    21 is young, and even though no 21 year olds think they're young, they are.
    I think that if you have depression, having a baby will not be a cure for that. You should get that under control beforehand, as that will only be a benefit to your children.
    It does worry me that one of your reasons for wanting to get pregnant now is because you're afraid someone'll steal your names. Maybe talking to someone would help you prioritize your thoughts? Honestly, becoming a parent for the purpose of using a name before someone else in your circle does isn't a good enough reason if you aren't emotionally or financially ready. It does sound like you realize that, though.
    When I was in high school, I had very emotionally destructive baby fever. It almost ruined me, honestly. I went to a psychologist for 3 years for it, and while it wasn't a miracle-maker, it helped a lot to be able to talk about wanting to be a mother, and not get judged for it. I've learned how to manage it a lot better over the past 6 years.

    Maybe you could volunteer at a preschool or a primary school? I have always wanted to be a mother, but I've recently started practice teaching with a grade 1 class and it is EXHAUSTING. I can't even imagine going home to kids that age after being with 20 of them all day long. I don't have time to do anything at night except lesson plan and have a shower before I need to go to bed. I love teaching grade 1, though, and kids that age are fantastically fun, so if you can volunteer with a class, try it and maybe it'll help wear you out. I do find that doing this reassures me that I'll be a great mom when the time comes, but that time is not now (I'm definitely not financially ready for it. And I'm single, and I'd rather not be, though I'm not a good relationship person, so I'm just letting that situation play out.)

    I have changed an INCREDIBLE amount in the past 3 years (I'm 25 now). You will, too. Honestly, I am nowhere near the same person I was in my 1st or 2nd year of undergrad. I was the girl who took 5 hours to psych herself up enough to go get a coffee on campus and did her laundry in the sink to avoid having to interact with people, and now I'm the girl who went by herself to live in the Basque Country, never having been that far north in Spain and with no inkling of what Basque sounded like.
    Anyway, 2 of my closest cousins didn't have kids until their mid 30s, there was no pressure on them from family to get married or have kids any younger. I feel like since I've seen how much time I actually have, I don't need to be in a big rush. I'm 25, and sure, I have a couple friends with kids, and a bunch of friends who are married or engaged, but that isn't what's right for me at this time in my life. Sure, I'd LOVE to be married and be a mother right now, but I have time for that, and right now I need to finish my education and be financially independent before I can start putting someone before myself.

    I would actually put money on you changing in the next few years. I know you feel like you're short on time, but you aren't. Graduate, be gainfully employed, enjoy being by yourself and find out who you are apart from your mothering instinct, because that matters, too. You can want to parent, but also want other things in life. You don't have to choose, especially when one of the options isn't actually feasible at this point.

    I do know exactly how you feel, though. I've been there, and it sucks more than I can ever explain, but waiting until you can give your kids everything you want to give them is a good decision. Everything you do now, you're doing for your kids in some way, so do everything you can because in the end, it will matter to your children down the road.
    Feel free to PM me any time! It does help a lot to talk about it.
    Lucia
    Seraphine, Jemima, Leonor, Seffora, Eulalia
    Edmund, Marius, Joscelin, Earnest, Caspar

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