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Thread: Depression and baby fever
October 19th, 2012 12:38 AM #6
And I also want to add that most women I know are having kids in their late 20's/ early 30's. Back in 2002, I was an odd demographic of a mom...college educated, married before pregnancy (not for long, we had a "small % that the bcp doesnt work even when used properly" baby!) young mom. Found I didnt "fit" in many social circles of other moms due to these factors and now that my oldest is ten its not that big of a deal, but I am still one of the younger moms at their school for having kids the age I do. All this to say, even if you are 30 when you have your first, it does not mean you have missed out or anything as most educated women are in fact waiting until they are that age to have their first too.
My DH' s mom was 35 when he was born, and he was the youngest of 3. Always had the "old mom" as he remembers from PTA etc, but now like I said, most women are around that age having young ones so its not unusual in the least. The moms of Seb and B's friends are all early to mid 40's except one who is a year older than me (with an 8 year old) and they think its so funny I graduated hs in 1997. They attend a small private school, so I am sure that in a larger more diverse population of a public school that you wilo find moms who are having kids younger, just giving you my current experience so you realize you have plenty of time.Married to my love since August 2001
My much loved, well thought out, chosen for meaning named crew:
Sebastian Elihu (7/02)
Bronwen Eliza (2/04)
Linus Ezra Graham (9/06)
Violet Leona (1/09)
and one named with help of nameberry, Wolfgang Levi (3/13)!
Always missing our Felix Emmanuel (10/10-10/10)
Pardon any run together words or random letters. I am almost always typing on my droid or nook, with or without autocorrect
October 19th, 2012 01:44 AM #8My cherished daughter, Rowan Jane. ~b. 10/2011~
Sawyer ~ Aven ~ Elowen ~ Sage ~ Eilonwy ~ Eleanor
Morgan ~ Asher ~ ___ ~ ___ ~ Currently trying to fill the blanks...
Trying for #2 in January 2014.
October 20th, 2012 12:57 AM #10
You are right. I'm neither financially or emotionally ready for a baby, and I won't be for the next three to six years. I guess it is because I see a bunch of other girls my age and even younger having a second or third baby (which is kind of outrageous, I realize). But I guess I get jealous, especially since my cousin who is a month younger than me is already settling down. She was due next month but lost the baby, and I suspect that she will continue TTCing very soon.
I guess I just don't feel very young. I would like to have all of my children before thirty-five (not that thirty-five is old, but it is more of a preference).
October 20th, 2012 01:00 AM #12
How is the idea of going to a sperm bank silly?
I'm not a very social person and have trust issues in regards to relationships that I just don't see it happening. But I don't want to miss out on motherhood too.
October 20th, 2012 12:06 PM #14
Honestly, I think it might be a good idea for you to get referred to a psychologist for a bit.
21 is young, and even though no 21 year olds think they're young, they are.
I think that if you have depression, having a baby will not be a cure for that. You should get that under control beforehand, as that will only be a benefit to your children.
It does worry me that one of your reasons for wanting to get pregnant now is because you're afraid someone'll steal your names. Maybe talking to someone would help you prioritize your thoughts? Honestly, becoming a parent for the purpose of using a name before someone else in your circle does isn't a good enough reason if you aren't emotionally or financially ready. It does sound like you realize that, though.
When I was in high school, I had very emotionally destructive baby fever. It almost ruined me, honestly. I went to a psychologist for 3 years for it, and while it wasn't a miracle-maker, it helped a lot to be able to talk about wanting to be a mother, and not get judged for it. I've learned how to manage it a lot better over the past 6 years.
Maybe you could volunteer at a preschool or a primary school? I have always wanted to be a mother, but I've recently started practice teaching with a grade 1 class and it is EXHAUSTING. I can't even imagine going home to kids that age after being with 20 of them all day long. I don't have time to do anything at night except lesson plan and have a shower before I need to go to bed. I love teaching grade 1, though, and kids that age are fantastically fun, so if you can volunteer with a class, try it and maybe it'll help wear you out. I do find that doing this reassures me that I'll be a great mom when the time comes, but that time is not now (I'm definitely not financially ready for it. And I'm single, and I'd rather not be, though I'm not a good relationship person, so I'm just letting that situation play out.)
I have changed an INCREDIBLE amount in the past 3 years (I'm 25 now). You will, too. Honestly, I am nowhere near the same person I was in my 1st or 2nd year of undergrad. I was the girl who took 5 hours to psych herself up enough to go get a coffee on campus and did her laundry in the sink to avoid having to interact with people, and now I'm the girl who went by herself to live in the Basque Country, never having been that far north in Spain and with no inkling of what Basque sounded like.
Anyway, 2 of my closest cousins didn't have kids until their mid 30s, there was no pressure on them from family to get married or have kids any younger. I feel like since I've seen how much time I actually have, I don't need to be in a big rush. I'm 25, and sure, I have a couple friends with kids, and a bunch of friends who are married or engaged, but that isn't what's right for me at this time in my life. Sure, I'd LOVE to be married and be a mother right now, but I have time for that, and right now I need to finish my education and be financially independent before I can start putting someone before myself.
I would actually put money on you changing in the next few years. I know you feel like you're short on time, but you aren't. Graduate, be gainfully employed, enjoy being by yourself and find out who you are apart from your mothering instinct, because that matters, too. You can want to parent, but also want other things in life. You don't have to choose, especially when one of the options isn't actually feasible at this point.
I do know exactly how you feel, though. I've been there, and it sucks more than I can ever explain, but waiting until you can give your kids everything you want to give them is a good decision. Everything you do now, you're doing for your kids in some way, so do everything you can because in the end, it will matter to your children down the road.
Feel free to PM me any time! It does help a lot to talk about it.Lucia
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