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August 21st, 2012 04:08 AM #41Junior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2012
Pretty much, everything what Mamamaassy said. Don't have kids. Biologically, by adoption, or via surrogate. Not until your views of pregnancy and motherhood change. Your views are extremely unhealthy and very uninformed, so continue your research honey. Everyone else, stop using her age as an excuse. I had my daughter at 17 and out of all of the teen/young mothers, and friends /acquaintances none have such unhealthy views that I know of. It is selfishness and ignorance alone, not age. Perhaps a smatter of immaturity as well.
1.) Pregnancy is beautiful, even if you deny it. There is nothing more special than creating a life from nothing but an egg and a single sperm - and growing this new, wonderful human. The sacrifices involved - whether you consider those sacrifices time, money, space, or vanity; tops none, if you aren't ready for any of these sacrifices you aren't ready to be a mother. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts.
2.) You DO have body image issues whether you want to admit it or not, and probably stemming from your mother's emotional abuse of you. A pregnant woman is not "fat" or "gross" in any way, and if you think that growing a child is gross, that the creation of a child is gross - then you should not have kids. "Gross/Unappealing" = body issues. If you think a swollen belly means you're "fat" then seriously, don't have kids. You're only going to pass along the belief to your child that pregnant women are gross and fat and should be ashamed of themselves (you think that they should, as you say you want to hide away from everyone, indicating shame). Passing this along to your children (which you will, if you continue on this line of thinking and especially if you go towards surrogacy and adoption) is unhealthy and continues a cycle of mental abuse, directly or indirectly. That child will grow up thinking that pregnancy is shameful, women who are pregnant are ugly, fat, etc and that there is nothing special about growing a child and giving birth to that child. It is special, beautiful, and life-altering in the best way. The birth of a baby is truly the birth of a mother - whether or not you would like to admit it - having a baby via surrogate or via adoption is NOT the same and your body will not adjust to loving the child the same. It is biologically a fact.
3.) Your mother's age and your birthweight have nothing to do with your current state of health. More likely genetics, environment, and what you eat are the main culprits. Have you tried a gluten-free diet? It's the only thing that helps my brother's seasonal (and severe) allergies. For the record, I was born at 36 weeks at 4lbs 9oz due to my mother smoking her whole entire pregnancy. I have only two minor allergies and when I was young I had skin sensitivity but outgrew it. It has 0 to do with your mother's age.
4.) Boobs don't sag due to breastfeeding. They sometimes sag due to pregnancy, because of the Relaxin hormone causing your muscles and ligaments to relax. This is easily avoided with a good bra for most women. Besides, if you are really so concerned with allergies and overall health of your baby, breastfeeding is the way to go. It reduces the risks of allergies, illness, diabetes, etc. There are 0 benefits of formula-feeding; it's a quick fix with long-term consequences. It is meant for women that absolutely have to, not for women who don't want to. That is the honest truth. My mother also never got milk, and guess what? I have been breastfeeding for 13 months. "My mother didn't so I won't even try" is a cop-out. Formula has never crossed my daughter's lips because that is breastfeeding suicide. You need to really research this because formula doesn't even come close to breastfeeding at all. I can't stress that enough. Try kellymom . com. I also have C's, they went up to D's for about 2.5-3 months and then adjusted back to normal. You will have no way of knowing whether they will balloon up, get smaller, stay the same, change back and forth, etc. Almost all women have a small increase that goes back to normal or a bit smaller than pre-pregnancy when they are done breastfeeding.
5.) Your belly being stretched out - sure, it happens. But the younger you are, the less of a chance of it happening because you are more abundant in collagen and elastin. It is mostly genetics and you won't know how your body will heal until you are post-partum though. At 17 I dropped all of my 40lbs in baby weight in a week due to breastfeeding, with no belly flab. I was extremely lucky genetics-wise because my mother is obese and has lots of extra skin. I got a lot of stretchmarks on only one side, on my thighs and butt, and a few on my breasts. They are still somewhat pink but fading. Completely worth it and I have ZERO shame in them. My body grew a baby, that baby was worth it. If something as insignificant as some stretch marks (which will fade) makes you not want to have a baby and makes it "not worth it", don't become a mother. If your baby isn't "worth it" to get a few marks, then you aren't ready. Your hips stretch out a lot of the time - which is normal and not ugly at all. I have more of an "hour glass" shape now, which is how a woman should look. Real women aren't stick skinny, with flawless skin and big boobs. That is the reality of it. Anything else is just a confection, a dystopian reality.
6.) The broken-bone thing is laughable. That never, ever happens. Maybe one in a million. Sometimes their kicks are painful towards the end - YES - but not even close to being able to break ribs. In order for that to happen you have to have very brittle bones or an underlying stresser (say you have been really sick and coughing really, really hard, and often) and even then, it's completely unheard of.
7.) Your vagina "stretching out" fear. OF freaking COURSE your vagina would stretch out, you have to push a baby through there. But does it go back to normal? Absolutely. Don't want to have a hospital birth so you can have more privacy? Great, have a homebirth, it's usually just one midwife and an assistant who mostly let you be. Bladder/Incontinence worries? That's fine. It happens, it's not super common but it's not rare either. I had a bit of a weaker bladder for like six months post-partum but with plenty of squats (NOT Kegels, everyone says Kegels but that will make it worse!) the problem was fixed quickly. An OB/GYN can fix any serious bladder problems. Having an elective c-section is asking for problems. Sorry, but it is. It is major abdominal surgery and carries much higher risks of EVERYTHING including the additional risks of infections, adhesions (your insides sticking together or to the incision), and if you ever choose to have more children you would have to fight tooth and nail for a vaginal delivery. Not to mention, babies born by cesarean have higher risks for asthma, reactive airways, weaker immune systems, more difficulty breastfeeding, lower IQs, to name a few. Private essage me and I can completely back with well-accepted studies. I would post the links but Nameberry seems to eat any posts with links.
8.) The baby is not a parasite. A parasite leeches from the host without any benefit and for life. A pregnancy is contained for 9.5-10.5 months, and is beneficial to both mother and baby. The mother's body makes enough nutrition for her AND baby - hence why appetite goes up and cravings (signals of what is needed to eat...carbs, sugar, etc) occur. The baby gets all of its nutrional and bodily needs to grow and develop, and in turn gives the mother fetal stem cells which is shown to repair damage in the mother's body, or circle her body for life and/or until damage occurs. Pregnancy also helps build brain cells, at first your brain shrinks 5% and between 6-12 months post partum your brain is actually 10% larger. It's also shown that women who have had children live longer, are healthier, and are usually more emotionally stable. Pregnancy itself reduces uterine and breast cancer - and breastfeeding further reduces uterine, breast, etc cancers more widely and the longer you breastfeed, the lower your chances. Pregnancy is a symbiotic (mutually beneficial) relationship. So your friend is wrong. And by the way, it doesn't "destroy" the body if you take care of yourself. Any of the organs moving for space, etc, go back to normal...no damage done.
9.) We use NFP as well. However, no matter how long or well you've charted, the procedures for surrogacy are mandatory and you will have blood draws, medicines, hormones etc to make sure your eggs are ready (as they will take several eggs, not just one or two which is how many you usually release in one cycle). They may let you skip taking birth control pills, but likely not. And guess what? You don't follow their procedure? They don't harvest your eggs and that's that. How do I know? I looked into being a surrogate for my cousin as his wife had pre-term labor and lost their baby, and she's on the verge of losing their second pregnancy now. So you really don't get a say in that part of the process.
10.) Even in your 20's, your body is going to change. Your hips will become wider, your shoulders will start to droop a little, your breasts will start to sag, your labia will become bigger. That's just in your 20's. There is no way to stop it, so accept it and move on. As far as "overpopulating" it is just a theory and not a fact - and if we were to round up every person in the United States and give them about 1,000 sq feet of land we'd all fit in the borders of Texas. It's not overpopulation - it's over-consumption that you have to worry about. People are wasteful. A family of ten can consume less than a family of four if they are eco-conscious. It's not about how many of us there are, it's about how many of us take responsibility of our environment for future generations.Married (8/9/12) writer mama to Mairead Rose (8/7/11) and Lilija Sage (2/19/14).
August 21st, 2012 04:09 AM #43Junior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2012
All in all - don't have kids yet. I say this in the kindest way. Your view of yourself and pregnancy and even motherhood, is not healthy, and that attitude is not healthy to transfer to a child. If I were your fiance I'd be running for the hills, sorry. It's probably why he won't talk to you about it - because he loves you and knows if he does he won't want to be with you because he wants his own kids and you don't. If you don't appreciate what it takes to make and grow a baby, you can't appreciate all that goes into raising one. Motherhood is full of sacrifice - and yes that includes vanity whether we like it or not - and if you aren't willing to do anything for your child, you shouldn't have one. Wait 10 years or rethink your views. Actually spend some quality time with pregnant women and mothers of young babies. Feel free to ask me anything or message me. I've been there, done that and have been doing this research since I got pregnant as I am becoming a midwife.Married (8/9/12) writer mama to Mairead Rose (8/7/11) and Lilija Sage (2/19/14).
August 21st, 2012 04:11 AM #45Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2012
ange84, I feel your pain, as I do the pain of the all beautiful pregnant ladies out there.
catloverd, look, you have received far more informative and eloquent responses than mine, but I'm just going to tell it to you like it is: when you have created, nurtured, sustained, and birthed another human being with your own body, then you will have earned the right to call pregnancy gross and pregnant women fat. Until then, you might want to watch your language on a forum populated by mothers, pregnant women, and women trying to conceive.
August 21st, 2012 08:45 AM #47
Still getting insulted.... it prob doesn't help that it's a forum and the people don't know you personally, but whatever, just ignoring rudeness....
I talked to my fiance' last night and he finally said the reason he's avoiding it is because he thinks I'm going to change my mind so he doesn't want come to an agreement when he knows it could change. I basically asked if he could handle the idea of never having a biological child and he said yes. He just didn't want to make a decision now because he thinks it'll change and it might, because the only reason I asked is because I am trying to consider it. I just want to know what I will be giving up if I do go the birth route. However, we did come to a compromise that I would only ever give birth once and if we want anymore we'll adopt. In the end I just needed to know if he was okay with it and he said basically he'd rather lose the child than lose me.
As for costs. Yes I know surrogacy is super expensive and we prob won't go that route unless he is super determined to have "one of our own" and I decide I don't want to do the pregnancy thing. Adoption is expensive, but not as much, and yes adoption is very hard in this country, but we can adopt from another country. Also money doesn't matter to me, it's a child, not a product..... It just means we'll have to save. We also have a very good income. I did research. Not sure why, but it seems like everyone on here thinks your naive'..... sure I'm 21, but I got my bachelor's degree from writing on adoption! I know how to do research.
There are tons of people who view pregnancy as gross, not just me. I have a whole group of friends. Most are feminists though as I have said so they like having control of their bodies. All are actually a bit older than me, I think only a couple are my age....
Also overpopulation is the reason there is so much hate in the world. Some of you should do research. There's a man who did a study on rats. He put them in the PERFECT environment, they lived peacefully up until a certain point. The environment didn't change, the population did. They started fighting and killing one another except for the group of "beautiful ones". Sure it's rats, but the human population is already at that point.... crime, war, poverty? All due to overpopulation. It's not just consumption.
Anyone I'm closing this because I have other nicer forums to get information from.