Grieving a lost name?

[trustedwriter]

Our daughter's name had been settled - Cora Melisande - since almost the beginning of my pregnancy. Now, with 10 weeks until the due date, my husband confessed to me that he doesn't like it anymore. He can't picture calling a daughter Cora, and he doesn't like that it starts with the same letter as our son's name. He wants to change it.

Now, there are some small benefits to renaming her. Keeping the name secret is important to me, and so far 2 or 3 people know this one (mostly because of slip-ups). So a fresh name would mean it was absolutely secret. I was a bit unhappy about the same initials, too, so it'd be nice to change that. And because my husband was really hoping for another boy, I am anxious for him to be as excited about our little girl as possible, and maybe finding a name he likes more will help. (It'll be tough, since he hates almost every girl name in the universe...) I am willing to start fresh on the name for his sake.

But... By this point, I have been calling her Cora in my mind for months. The sound and meaning of the name have formed a major part of who she is to me, and changing her name would feel like swapping her for a completely different child. (For example, I even have a picture in my mind of what she'll look like - I try on the name "Alice" and that picture completely changes. Obviously I know she could look nothing like what I imagine, but the name makes a huge difference in how I anticipate her.) Even if we save the name for another daughter down the road, it would feel weird to bestow it on another baby, because this child IS Cora (to me), and if we don't use it, I'd feel like I "lost" her.

I am forcing myself to call her "the baby" for now, but "Cora" is always on the tip of my tongue and it's what I think in my head privately to myself. It's going to be really hard to change. Next time we are SO not finding out the gender, because I don't want to go through this again!

Am I weird to attach so much personality/identity to the name of a baby I haven't really met yet, or have other Berries done this too?

Has anyone else gone through something like this?

[kibby]

I would be crushed if after all this time, DF changed his mind on our favorite names, I can also already picture our kids with these names, and changing them now, would well... feel very very odd. I'm not pregnant, nor are we trying, but especially our boys name has been in place for years, and it is most definitely our son, despite his non existence at this point. For you, being pregnant, and focusing on your baby "Cora" for all these months, and getting to know her in a way that your husband can't understand, and then deciding that she just isn't Cora anymore must be heartbreaking and difficult to process. What about choosing a name with Cora in it? Like Coraline, or Coralie, Corisande or Coralynn or something along those lines, so she can still be your Cora, and his something else?

[villette]

Unless he has some (good) name suggestions, I wouldn't change it. If he can make a list and you can agree on another great name I would consider it, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

[elisabeth rae]

I'm sorry about you losing this name For what it's worth, I do love Alice and think it's incredibly sweet. Here are some more suggestions:

Nora
Nina
Lena
Emma
Eva
Anastasia
Natalie
Julianne

[alzora]

That's so sad. You should show him this post. He may understand once he sees your feelings written out. As for the same initial problem, how about spelling it Kora? I'm really not a fan of messing with spellings like that, but if it would change his mind, perhaps you should consider it. I like the above poster's suggestions about Coraline or another longer Cora- name.

[trustedwriter]

Thank you, everyone. I'm glad I'm not alone in having vivid impressions of the baby-to-be-born and attaching the name to those ideas so tightly.

Regarding Coraline, Coralie, Coralyn, etc. - I actually really love Cornelia, but my husband hates it (I sort of don't blame him...it IS an old-lady type name). And we'd call her Cora for short anyway. He thinks it's silly to give her a longer name when the nickname for it is a name in its own right and the one that we'd use for every day anyway. Long story short, it wouldn't change anything.

Regarding Alice - That name is sort of a ray of hope because it's one of my other favorite names, and he'd vetoed it in the past, but yesterday I brought it up and he seemed amicable... (However, "Alice" is my *other* daughter I don't have yet - if that makes sense. She's someone else entirely, in my mind!)

Regarding "Kora" - Nah, I dislike invented spellings too much. I couldn't bring myself to even suggest it.

I can try to explain my feelings to my husband more accurately. However, I don't want to pressure him into a name he doesn't like - after all, she's his daughter too! I don't want to be unreasonable, or make him less excited about having her.

My plan right now is to encourage my husband to come up with names he likes on his own, and bring ideas to ME. (It's always been the other way around, since I'm the name nerd.) He hates almost all girl names, and doesn't have an internal database of favorite names like I do, so having him come up with a list is a highly impractical way for us to find a new name. But as much as I love names and as practical as it would be for me to make a list, I can't bring myself to go back to the drawing board! I am just not enthusiastic about other names at this point. :/ If he simply can't find anything he likes enough to bring to me, maybe he'll concede to Cora again. If he finds a name he loves SO much that he's excited to tell me about it, though, that might sway me to be excited about his choice.

I think he is hoping to find a name he loves as much as "Charles", because he was thrilled to name our son (our taste in boys' names is awesomely synchronized). And I really wish that could happen! But I doubt he will find a girl name he likes as enthusiastically.

[just.say.no.to.e]

We didn't find out the gender of our first baby & won't with this one either. BUT, we did nickname the baby--we called her Lulu & sometimes Lou to cover both male & female. We named her Juniper & there was no part of that Lulu name left after delivery. Since it had been almost a year calling her that, it was a bit odd at first. But, she's certainly grown into her formal name & we don't miss "Lulu" anymore.
Go with what is in your heart & try not to get too attached right now. Whichever name you both select with suit your daughter & you'll quickly forget about the name that could have been.

[thetxbelle]

I really like someones suggestion of Nora! Its such a sweet sound, sophisticated, old fashioned but not dated. So sorry about not being able to use that name. Are you still looking for suggestions on names?

[emiliaj]

Maybe Cora could reappear as a MN?

[trustedwriter]

just.say.no.to.e - But, in your case, Lulu was a nickname and you knew all along that it wouldn't be the child's name after birth. It's kind of a different scenario with Cora. I know whatever name we choose - Cora or otherwise - will stick eventually and feel right, but for now it is still sad to contemplate switching for a new name.

thetxbelle - Hubby vetoed Nora, but I would be okay with it if he hadn't. It sounds similar enough. I guess I'm sort of looking for suggestions, but not actively. If I ask my husband and he really wants me to take initiative on the search, I'll probably be back on the forum asking for ideas.

emillaj - I think Cora would only work as a MN for a long, more flowery first name, and those aren't usually my style.