Am I Normal?
We just found out yesterday that I am pregnant! I feel like my entire life and world has changed in the blink of an eye and yet the world is going on and I am expected to go on as normal too! I am worried, stressed, freaking out! We won't have the same friends, will we have any friends at all?! Will people look down on us because we are so young (I'm 19, hubby 21). Hubby is sooooo happy beyond belief. My mom is disappointed that we are having kids so young, even though it was NOT planned! And I am stuck in the middle, not sure what to think or feel or do!!!
Please please help!!!
Calm down. You need to give yourself some time to get used to the idea of being pregnant. It's completely normal to feel overwhelmed in this situation. Talk to your husband about your concerns and maybe consider speaking to a counsellor as well (you'll be able to find a counsellor that offers free sessions in your area). Don't worry about finding friends - most women say they made great friends with other women in pregnancy classes or mothers groups. In the end, you are pregnant. There's nothing you can do to change that (aside from termination, which I don't think you want to do). You've got nine months to get used to the idea before baby comes along. Try to understand that it's normal to feel this way and that your feelings will change as your pregnancy progresses. Same with your mother; she will come around to the idea and I guarantee she will adore her new grandchild! Good luck :)
I'm not sure I believe it was "unplanned." Unplanned in the sense that you're shocked, you didn't think it would actually happen, etc. but you have been on here the past few months talking about wanting a baby, possible pregnancy symptoms, overly excited about the possibility of pregnancy... I mean, obviously you weren't really preventing it and the idea of becoming pregnant had to of crossed your mind. You're 19, and if I know 19 year old girls at all, once they get an idea/plan in their minds there is no stopping it. Becoming pregnant is usually pretty simple at 19, even one "oops" can lead to a pregnancy.
My advice to you is, start researching and thinking clearly as a future parent. A baby is a HUGE deal. It's not like adopting a kitten or babysitting, it's a round the clock every single day of the year responsibility. And yes, it can be extremely hard and frustrating. Consider the help you will have when the baby is born, your goals for the next 5 years, your finances, and start planning a future for yourself. I was a younger Mom, I got pregnant at 23 and sometimes I wish I would of waited a few more years. I love Rowan more than the air I breathe, but looking back on it now maybe it was too hasty of a decision. We weren't at a good place back then, financially or emotionally, and we are just now breathing some fresh air and doing better.
Honestly, the only thing holding me back from getting pregnant right now is the fact that we don't have ANY help. My mom is the only person who watches Rowan, and that's usually only once or twice a month for a few hours. We never get any "adult time" by ourselves or date nights. And we can't really afford to put her in a pricey daycare just for some time to ourselves. A new baby would mean double duty and much more stress, but I also want to be done with having babies. I almost want to get the second one "out of the way" so to speak.
Yes, I wrote something similar on another of bostonsavvy's threads. You've started a lot of threads and gotten excited every month about the possibility of being pregnant. You can't have been using protection very carefully if you think you might be pregnant every month.
Originally Posted by rowangreeneyes
Babies take a lot of time to grow and I think it is natures way of giving us time to adjust to all the differences. Your family will most likely come around to being excited and supportive. I was TERRIFIED to tell my in-laws when I got pregnant. They were constantly telling us we weren't ready for kids and all kinds of horribly inappropriate things along those lines. They were shocked when we told them to say the least. I'm about 6.5 months along and now my mother-in-law is SO EXCITED she can hardly contain herself. She's been obsessing over the baby shower she is planning, haha. I was pretty surprised to find out I was pregnant as well. I have had a lot of mixed feelings about the whole thing but I knew from the beginning I wanted the baby and that's helped me a lot. It can be super overwhelming to listen to what everyone else thinks you need to do to get ready for the baby. Your body takes care of itself pretty well (sometimes it takes better care of the baby than it takes care of you - like morning sickness). Taking my prenatal vitamins and keeping food down was my main focus in the beginning. The second trimester has involved a lot of self restraint to keep myself from eating only ice cream and french fries. I can't really talk about the third trimester because I'm not quite there yet. Nothing with babies happens really fast, it's all a slow process. Try to take deep breaths and trust that your body will know what to do. I have spent a lot of time thinking about everything, EVERYTHING, and my feelings on a lot of different parts of the process have changed over time. Give yourself the freedom to be freaked out, or sad, or not super excited all of the time. Give yourself some time to sort through those feelings. Just relax. Your hormones are going buck wild and it can be hard to adjust to not feeling like yourself, feeling out of control, and feeling generally crazy. I was really surprised by all the mixed feelings I have had but being pregnant is a temporary condition and I trust that every parent ever isn't lying when they say that you love your kids more than anything and that your baby's love is very rewarding and worth all of the worry and craziness. As far as friends go you MIGHT lose touch with some people because your lives are taking different paths but I have to be honest with you: that would probably happen no matter what. It happens to everybody. Some friends get married, some friends stay single, friends move, friends go away to college, friends go to away grad school, friends get jobs that take all their time, friends have kids, friends get way into partying, friends get divorced, friends move back home... There is no guarantee that you'll stay good friends with people even if their lives are following the same path as yours. There is also no rule saying you have to lose touch with friends that are on different paths! I am 10 years older than you and I have a lot of friendships that have gone through stages of closeness and stages of distance. I have some that have stayed close over that whole time. I don't think I could have predicted which friendships would fall into which categories but I have found out that friendships take work. Put work and time and energy into the ones that are really important to you and they will grow. Life is going to be different for everyone because that's just how life goes. Try not to spend all of your free time worrying. Worrying can be a lot like sitting in a rocking chair. Rocking keeps you busy but it doesn't actually get you anywhere. Try to focus your energy on things that make you feel productive. Good luck with everything and remember: you are not alone! The way you are feeling is pretty normal and there are a lot of women out there who have been in the same place as you and made it out alive. We'll make it trough whatever life throws at us because we are all stronger than we think we are :)
Sarah and RGE have said a lot of thoughtful words so I'll try to be short and helpful.
I remember you were talking quite a lot about possible pregnancy, did you realize it may happen then? I believe so. Of course, you can't be calm right now because it's understandable to be freakng out in your situation.
The most important thing is your hubby being happy, I am sure he will be a great support. Don't worry about your mom, she will get into situation because you all have to do it. Even if she doesn't, you are a married adult and that's your life. You didn't prevent so you both have the duty now.
I am around your age and when I got pregnant with Nelly, I did have hard time(boyfriend, mom etc). To be honest, I was so stupid that I can't imagine myself getting pregnant. But it happened ,and even though I would never had a kid that young if I was to choose, I can say her birth is the most important milestone in my life. It changed all completely and, I won't lie, it was hard, but every time she smiles or cries, I understand she worths all efforts. I had to work, to save, to break off old relations and make new. However, with every single day I accept the new rhythm of life more and more.
What to do: 1) try to calm down and think clearly(what RGE said). Don't waist time on worries but start to thinking where you can get some help from. 2) my personal advice is to try babysitting before you have a big bump. You get money and a little child care experience so you won't be completely shocked when you get your own baby home. 3) save up money seriously. You will need a lot and better you will have some extra money later than having to borrow. 4) don't worry about friends. If your mates don't like you the way you are, are they friends at all? You will make new ones while attending mother classes or going for a walk in the park.
I heard the saying "Babies are much harder in the first six months" a few times and despite the fact Nelly will only be 2 months soon, I admit she get easier day by day. You might not believe me now, but life never gives you more than you can handle. You have 40(or so) weeks to get used to your new situation and accept it. Good luck!
I agree with this. My daughter was an accident, so I know it can happen, but it was a one time thing, not something that occurred every month. If you don't want to get pregnant, you need to use birth control responsibly.
Originally Posted by rowangreeneyes
I think these other gals have said a lot of smart things, and I agree with what they said (RGE in particular, as she's got a lot of experience). A baby is not just cuddles and cosiness, it's a lot of work. The baby phase is short, Roo is already more demanding when it comes to activities and attention. It's a whole new person that's your responsibility, to provide with knowledge, a good childhood, food and clothes. Will some friends slip away? Sure, but that will happen in your twenties anyway. Being a mummy is a great way to make new friends, and you will probably want to spend more time with them as they know what you're going through, something your existing friends might not understand.
Your mother will come around eventually. I think you will understand how she feels once your baby is here, I do not want my daughter to have a baby at 19. She wants to protect you and she doesn't want you to go through what she did. 19 is very very young, there are so many things one doesn't understand yet at that age, and it's impossible for you to realise how young you actually are until you get older.
I don't know how helpful I can be, but find a good anti stretch-mark cream and start applying it immediately all over (bottom, breasts, arms, tummy, thighs). Mama Mio's got a great one.
Thank you Ellieberry, that was so very sweet and helpful of you!
To everyone else-
I was on birth control for a while and it made me very sick. I also had a few other illnesses fall on me last year when I got married and was on quite a bit if medication. The bc was too much for me to handle. We've used condoms every month. I've tracked my ovulation, and we would make sure to use them especially the week before and after ovulation. Sometimes when I knew I wasn't ovulating we wouldn't use one (when I.was already getting pms symptoms, or had period.) so yes,there were very small and slim chances every month. A couple if times there were accidents, like this one, where protection 'broke'! So yes I posted. I have been excited at every little thought about getting pregnant from that slim possibility. But we were NOT trying and not 'not preventing' when I thought it was most important. Was that a lax way to view it? Yes. Was I thrilled at the prospect every month that maybe by some chance I was? Yes.
The point is that now it has actually happened and I'm facing the reality of it! That has to be difficult weather it was an accident or not! All I know is that soon I will be a mother and its a wee bit frightening! That's all.
I honestly have 0 doubt in myself raising a child. I have loved kids as long as I can remember. Right now I work as a nanny and a teacher. I've been nannying for two years and have worked with multime infants at a time, toddlers, and school aged kids. I know it isn't the same as being around the clock. But I do have experience in the practical things. I am more worried about the unknown factors. What my body will be going through, what if it doesn't stick, the fact that these emotions are making me feel like a lunatic, the financial end of it (though I know my hubby is working it out an will make it work no matter what it takes), how my relationship with my husband will change, how people wil react, etc.! All feasible things to be worried about only 3 days in, I suspect.
Anyways it is off to work for me! I suppose being with the little ones today will brighten my outlook on things.
Only positive comments please! This is a rough time emotionally as it is.
I'm sorry sweetie. You just seemed *shocked* that you even were pregnant. And when you ask for opinions on different things, you can't expect everything to be coated in pink candy floss. I get that it's frightening, as I told you somewhere else, I got frightened too, and I'm eleven years older than you. The thought of having a tiny little person growing inside you, that you're responsible for it's health, well being and continued existence is of course scary! I will write more here later when I have the time, but what I can tell you is that being a mother is for me the best thing that's ever happened. It healed something in me; not in the sense of completion, but I had some stuff going on way back, and this helped me overcome something. The first time she smiled, her laugh, every time she shows me affection, my heart just bubbles over with joy. She's so wonderful, and the hard things are tough, but the good things more than weigh up for it. I'm sure you'll do a great job. My mum was 21 when she had my sister, and didn't know anything about babies, but we all survived. You've got nanny experience, that's good, even though this will be different you have a base. And a supportive and joyous husband, that is wonderful. Again, your mum will come around, it might just take some time. She's just worried, that's all, I'm sure. I think it's different for the maternal grandparents, as it's their child who will carry the baby. You who will go through all these changes. And seriously, go get a stretch mark cream. I don't have a stretch mark, and I owe it all to that cream (I believe).
And you can always message me if there's anything you need to know or talk about.