Right now I don't have any hope of ever becoming a mother. I really thought this time I would have a baby. This time I allowed myself to dream and plan. After two miscarriages, I thought the third time would be the charm!
I had spotting and everyone told me to stay positive, but it ended in miscarriage a week ago.
I had terrible cramping this time and had to go to emerg. They didn't bother with an ultrasound.
My cervix was dilated and they removed some tissue. They sent me home and the next day I passed the rest. I guess I should be thankful that they were never far along (5 weeks or so) and I haven't had to have a D&C.
The thought of being referred to an ART clinic stresses me out. There will be so many tests and it will be expensive if we have to do IVF, and it there are no guarantees - it might not work the first time.
Making a baby is something that is supposed to come naturally and easily. It is supposed to be happy, but when I find out out I am pregnant I am not excited. I am instantly nervous.
I am very angry right now and also very sad. It turns out that my sister in law was also pregnant.
She was a week ahead of me and lost hers the week before I did! We could have had babies together!
She is younger than me, and now I worry that she will have a baby before I do.
My husband and I have been together almost 5 years. I have just waited so long that I am jealous of other people's pregnancies...
Has anyone here had multiple miscarriages, but gone on to have a full term pregnancy? Or do you know anyone that has? Did you/or they have to have an IUI or IVF?
I really would like to do this naturally, but I am 37. At first I thought that I didn't want to try any more, but now I think we should try again right away. I'm not getting any younger.
Our philosophies might be different, which I understand, but I'd like to share my perspective.
I reject a false dichotomy between humans and all of our activities/knowledge/abilities and the rest of the natural world. I think we're fully part of it, and as such anything we dream up or construct is by definition 'natural.'
Human reproduction is and has been a horrifically inefficient process. Current guesses (that's all they are, really) are that only 1/4 pregnancies results in the birth of a live baby. For millennia women have suffered from infertility, miscarriage and stillbirth. For me, the joy and beauty of science & scientific medicine is the ability to thumb your nose at that inefficiency, to bring order to chaos. The fact that, potentially, the reasons behind your terribly sad recurrent pregnancy losses could be understood and corrected, to me is a great comfort.
I don't think a sperm and an egg uniting in vitro and growing into a human baby is any less amazing than a sperm & egg meeting up in a fallopian tube. Hundreds of millions of things have to happen perfectly and sequentially in order for that to happen, and really the fact that anyone, ever has a healthy baby is quite amazing.
Many women *do* have bona fide diagnosable (and treatable, often with something as simple as aspirin) reasons for recurrent pregnancy loss. At 3 early miscarriages you absolutely would merit a full work-up, which if you are contemplating another pregnancy I would absolutely do posthaste.
And your feelings of anger and trepidation are perfectly natural. It isn't fair. You don't deserve this. Life is full of ugliness and pain and it's not equally metered out.
Oh, Niteowl, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is aching for you.
I hope you do go for a work up and see if there is a solution for you. And if not, just know that I am thinking of you.
Niteowl, I'm so sorry for your loss. I had one ectopic, but I can't imagine going through that three times. My prayers are with you. Everyone processes this differently. With mine I wanted to start trying again right away, and had a hard time when they told me I had to wait till my HCG levels came back down. Some women need to take some time to grieve before trying again though, and that is fine too. Do whatever feels right for you.
Now as far as the IUI/IVF question goes, it doesn't really sound like that would be what you need. You are getting pregnant, but not keeping the pregnancy. The IUI/IVF procedure wouldn't necessarily address that, unless the problem is chromosomal, then maybe they could screen embryos in IVF. The problem like blade said may be as simple as needing to take an aspirin. Or, you may have some hormone imbalances and need to take progesterone (I have to do that to keep a pregnancy.) The diagnostic tests should be covered by insurance, especially considering your history. If you do need an IUI, I can tell you that they aren't too bad. Not nearly as expensive as IVF, and pretty quick and painless. That's what we did for my son. But again, IUI and IVF are generally used for women who can't get pregnant, due to things like not ovulating, blocked tubes, low sperm count or motility, etc. I hope you get some answers from the tests, and that you'll keep us posted. We are all pulling for you!
I am really sorry that you are going through this. Infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss are awful, awful things. We struggled with infertility for several years before adopting our son, so I know what it's like. And I know what you mean by being jealous and worrying that others will have babies before you. Nearly everyone I know did. My jailbird little brother even did! For me, that part has gotten so much better finally. It is a huge loss and enormous amount of pain to work through, but I really feel at peace about everything now. And since this led us to our son, I am now in the bizarre place of feeling grateful for it. I never thought I would be there.
There are many things that a good RE can do. There might be a structural problem. Some people need extra hormonal support during the pregnancy. It is not automatically IVF or IUI. So if you object to those options, you don't have to pursue them. We did not want to pursue IVF and faced no pressure from the fertility clinic to change that decision. If a doctor did pressure you to do something you weren't comfortable with, I would find a different doctor.
As to the expense, check with your insurance. They might cover a full work up, since this is for recurrent pregnancy loss and not infertility. Or you might have some infertility coverage. But I would think that you would start w. your regular doctor or obgyn for this, and that person would refer you if needed. Also, fertility clinics generally offer payment plans and things like that. The one we went to have a financial counselor, who sat with you and explained all of your insurance stuff and told you what your options were.
I have no medical expertise whatsoever, but since you have conceived three times, conception doesn't seem to be the problem here, maintaining the pregnancy does. Like Blade said, there are things doctors can do to fix that problem.
Since you asked for success stories, I will tell you that I have a close friend who miscarried three times, then went on to have two healthy babies. One of my husband's sisters acted as a gestational surrogate (via IVF) for his other sister and they each miscarried three or four times before J carried L's healthy twins to term. Then J went on to have her own healthy baby exactly one year later. My sister miscarried at 20 weeks (she has since conceived again) and when she miscarried, I felt like every woman either of us knew came to us with stories of their own miscarriages. Many women had several before going on to have multiple healthy children. My point is, it happens a LOT. People do not tend to talk about it.
I had two early miscarriages, (6 weeks and 10 weeks) and went on to carry a healthy pregnancy (I conceived, on BC, after my second miscarriage, the first cycle, I didn't even have a period in between). I was diagnosed with endometriosis about two years ago.
I think this pregnancy I was nervous and somewhat in denial (or at least trying not to get my hopes up) until like 25 weeks. I know of women who have had many more miscarriages than I did before carrying a pregnancy to term. Miscarriages are incredibly (tragically) common. Three in a row certainly does not mean you won't be able to have a healthy pregnancy, but you may want to see a doctor to either find some answers or be reassured nothing is wrong.
Niteowl, I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine. I did want to share a friend's story because it is amazing and also because it has been hugely encouraging to so many other people I know who have experienced miscarriage (including me). She had a serious accident in her early 20's which was later found out to have compromised her ability to carry a babe to term.
She carried her first pregnancy to 21 weeks. Her little boy was stillborn. He has a name and a grave.
This pregnancy was followed by 2 late first trimester/early second trimester miscarriages (13 and 15 weeks I believe).
Then she conceived her son, he is 6. The pregnancy was healthy and uncomplicated (no early labor scares, no bedrest or the like), though she was considered high risk and did have a scheduled c-section. She was around 36.
They started trying again when he was around 18 months old.
She had 3 more miscarriages, also late first trimester/early second trimester over the course of 18 months. (Bringing the total to 6)
Then she conceived her daughter, now 3, the pregnancy was just like the one for her son. She was 37 and was planning on being done.
Then, she quite unexpectedly got pregnant again, and has a healthy 8 month old! She was 41 at the birth! She then, after everything they had been through, unceremoniously sent her husband to get snipped :)
What I take away from this story is there is hope even when there feels like no reason to hope. There is joy on the other side of crushing sorrow. Don't give up.
I am so sorry niteowl13. @blade and @tarynkay brought up such good points. Don't look at going to an RE or an IVF clinic as some sort of defeat. Modern reproductive medicine has come very far, and you owe it to yourself to put your body and health into the hands of a skilled fertility expert to figure out what is happening. I would not attempt another pregnancy before getting some testing done. Like @blade said, it could be as simple as a common clotting issue that can be treated with aspirin. It could be a simple thyroid condition. It could be that the landscape of your uterus and some imaging may offer some clues.
When you are feeling hopeless, you need to start reminding yourself about what is going right. You DID get pregnant 3 times. That is a huge step. It sounds like you are ovulating regularly. Yet another huge plus for you. I don't know the details of your situation, but I bet there are many other encouraging factors regarding your menstrual cycle and your health that you can focus on.
I wouldn't wait a lot longer. 37 is not old, but you also don't have the luxury of waiting around several more years. I promise you that if you are able to get testing done, you will feel empowered by getting the results. It's so much easier to tackle an issue when you actually know what the issue is.
The final point, the most important point, that I'd like to make is this: You will get your baby. Your baby will find you. You will become a mother. I truly believe that if you want to be a mother, you will find a way to become a mother. It's not always as easy as rolling around in the sheets, but that is why we have modern medicine.
I am sorry you had to go through another miscarriage. That is a terrible heartache. I am sending you cyber hugs. Things will get better, though.
I'm so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine. I don't have much else to add, except you will be in my prayers. Try not to lose that hope! It can be the one thing that holds us together when we're about to fall apart.
I'm so sorry Niteowl.
My aunt had six miscarriages before she had her two sons at the age of 36 and 38! I don't know how she found the strength to go through that. She said that once she'd given birth to the first, her body knew how to do it again.
Take good care. Sending a hug to you.